Neighborhood Barbecue/Transcript
listening to "Cool Kids" Bradley: Hey Jaz! There's a moving van next door. Jasmine: And I care, why? and Bradley stick their heads out the window backing into the house Jasmine: No ones lived in that house since Old Man Willakers killed himself, because you kept annoying him. guys backing in truck Guy: You're good... you're good... you're good. backs into Snortlesons house Jasmine: MY ROOM! Bradley: Hey, maybe they have kids. Jasmine: Ew! What is this, the fifties? SONG Karen: We're getting some new neighbors next door. Buck: Ugh... I hope they DON'T have kids... grubby little brats running through my house, eating my hard earned bananas? N-ho thank you. Karen: Well, we're bringing them this Banana Wine to say, welcome to the neighborhood. Buck: What is this, the fifties? YUK yuk yuk Karen: Look, the more neighbors we have on our side, the more votes we'll have in the Homeowners Association. YOURE COMING, and THATS FINAL. --cool riff-- of Monkeytown High Teacher: This exam covers chapters 1 through 50; no notes. You have ten minutes. Student behind Jasmine: We should kill him, heheheh Teacher: No talking. If you have a question during the exam, please do not hesitate to keep it to yourself. Student: Hey, we're all skipping this test. You in? Jasmine: He said quiet! Teacher: Jasmine, I've had enough of your crap. Three days of detention. Jasmine: No, but I was just telling Johnny to stop talking. Teacher: sarcastic Oh, you were? Well, that changes everything. /s FOUR DAYS --oohOOH, oohOOH-- Buck: This is stupid. No one does this. Karen: Shut up. It's purely political. on door Ping: Ni hao. Buck: his breath oooooh great. Karen: Hello! My name is Karen Snortleson and this is my husband Buck Snortleson. Welcome to the neighborhood. staring Karen: We live next door. staring Karen: What's your name? Ping: Ping Ching Ling Ming. Buck: I could have guessed that. Ping: I move heah fom TSSI-NA. My fater rice farmer, my moter dead. We travel across sea in metal bird... Karen: OOoh kay, that's really interesting, uh, what was your name? Ping: I dsust told you. Karen: It's-- it's just that we're not really used to, um, ethnic names around here. Ping: Call me Ping. Karen: Oh, yes that's-- Ping: Ching Ling Ming. Buck: Look, we're just going to call you Ping. Karen: Do you have kids? Ping: back Uhhh, no. Buck: yyyyes. Ping: In China it is customary to invite new acquaintances over for a meal. Karen: Oh. Yeah, of course... how rude of me. Buck: Karennn... Karen: We'll invite the whole neighborhood! Buck: KARENNN... Ping: Splendid. Zai Jian (tsuai chen) Karen: Well Ping it was lovely to meet you... whispers are you a man or a woman, because it's kind of impossible to tell. --hmmMMM, hmmMMM-- ticking in detention yawns Teacher: NO YAWNING. Teacher: You are in DETENTION, young lady. That means AAHM in charge. Jasmine: Brat. enters Bruce: Hey teach. Teacher: Welcome back, Bruce. Please take a seat. Bruce: Is dis seat taken? Jasmine: You're Bruce McGwire, the captain of the football team! Bruce: Dat me. Jasmine: I'm... Jasmine. Bruce: Me Bruce, what your name? stares --mmMm-- Buck: In what Universe is this a good idea? Karen: I don't know what you're talking about. Buck: Inviting the whole neighborhood to our house, Karen. We don't even know these people. Karen: You know what, fine. Fine. WHATEVER, YOU, WANT. Buck: Seriously? I work full time so you can be a SPOILED BRAT. I never get what I want! ringing Karen: YOU DO NOT TELL ME ABOUT-- oh, hello... neighbor. I'm greeeeeeeeat, how are yoouu? So, the mister and I are throwing a little shindig at our casa. Greeeeeeeeeat, see you at seven. Buck: Would it kill you to go to the gym? Karen: THIS IS HOW REAL WOMEN LOOK, BUCK. We're not all skinny goddesses. REAL WOMEN have curves. --hmmMMM, hmmMMM-- of house, sign: Neighborhood BBQ streaming in enters Karen: Welcome, Carl. Thank you for coming. Carl: I brought beans. Karen: Ew. Buck: Right this way. Carl: I brought beans. walks in Karen: Koneecheewa. Ping: That is offensive. Buck: Karen, how many burgers will we need? Ping: I'm a vegan. Buck: teeth Maybe you should have TOLD us that before. Karen: Oh, so you think only MEN can grill? Us women aren't just your DISHWASHERS, Buck. Gimme that beeep spatula! You haven't lived until you've had meat grilled by the beeep Grill Goddess herself. turns around Dickens is standing in the doorway Buck: CRAP! Mr. Dickens: Prrrresident Dickens is in the hoooooou Buck: Your eminence. Mr. Dickens: I neglected to bring a dish, because I expect to be served. This party better be worth it... I cancelled my 6:45 scalp waxing. --- Bradley: Daddy, who's that fancy guy? Mr. Dickens: From which prrrovince of Italy are these hors-derves? Buck: That's Mr. Dickens, the president of the Homeowners Association. You are NOT to go near him. --- Carl: Carl Schwartz, former child prodigy and scientist extraordinare. Ping: You know, from where I'm from, it is not customary to boast about one's achievements. Carl: You look very ethnic, are you opening a Chinese restaurant or...? Ping: pause Actually yes, on the corner of Ching & Chong. Carl: Personally I prefer Thai food, fuel for the brain laugh Carl: Chinese food is filled with sodium you know. --- Buck: Karen, I thought you should know-- Karen: Give up! Women can grill too! You're just jealous. Buck: No, it's not that... the President of the HOA is here. burns her hand on the grill Karen: AAAAUUUUUUUGGGGH! MY HAND! Buck: Seriously? You BRAT! Karen: Shut up and let me do this! and Bruce walk in Jasmine: Hey dad. Buck: Who is this? Jasmine: Bruce McGwire the captain of the football team. teeth DON'T BLOW THIS FOR ME. Buck: Jasmine, we'll talk. --- Mr. Dickens: Carl Hwat kind of a party doesn't have a valet? Carl: A bad one laugh They really cheaped out this time. Bradley: I'm the valet. $20 please. Mr. Dickens: scoffs You? Bradley: Fork it over, those cars aren't going to park themselves. You know what, now its $40 for you wasting my time. Mr. Dickens: But of course sir. $40 is but a drop in my ocean of wealth. money parks all the cars horribly --- tinks on glass Buck: Attention-- attention, everyone. Thank you for coming to the Monkeytown Neighborhood BBQ-- Carl: I BROUGHT THE BEANS! Buck: ...and we would like to have a special welcome for our new ethnic neighbor: Ping the Asian! Ching choooooooong clapping tsss Karen: AAAAAAAAUGGGGH!! I BURNED MY HAND! --oohOOH, oohOOH-- at the table Karen: These burgers were SPECIALLY prepared by a very strong and powerful woman: me. Chef Karrren. Girl power, am I right ladies? Mr. Dickens: Egad! Do you honestly expect me to consume this peasant food? Buck: Crap, craaaap... Bradley: Mommy your burgers taste like crap. Buck: Never let a woman grill meat, hehe right on Bradley. Ping: Do you have any vegan options, such as a single mung bean or perhaps a rice patty? Karen: EAT IT, PING. Jasmine: Hey, who brought these beans? goes ballistic and destroys the table Karen: GYET OUTTA MAH HOOOOOUSE!!! Mr. Dickens: Gala at my manor! follows leaving Karen in a mess of trash --mMmm-- sobbing Buck: The bathroom is destroyed, and our front lawn is tp'ed. Karen: THIS PARTY WAS A DISASTERR-her-her-herrrr! Buck: Well... yeah... Karen: YOU SHOULD HAVE WARNED ME. But you were just WAITING to see me FAIL, weren't you. Buck: I TOLD YOU from the beginning to cancel this party! Karen: OH, so now it's my fault? You're making this my fault? Ohhh, that's rich. Buck: UGGH! You are so immature! running out of the room screaming Karen: Lalalalalala I can't HEAR YOU. --oohOOH, oohOOH-- Jasmine: I HATE YOU GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!!! is screaming at Buck, who is hurrying away from her Buck: I was just trying to talk about what happen at the party. Jasmine: Bruce is none of your concern. Buck: Jazzy... Jasmine: Don't call me that. Buck: I was just- shrieks, then sobs Jasmine: AAAAAUUGHHH!!! GET OUT!!!! exits is alone, crying and Buck sleeping on opposite sides of the bed quietly weeping credits